Sunday, November 21, 2010

Broken or just bruised?

Ever since daylight savings time ended I feel like I've been put in a cage called night.  I get only a few hours a day in the "yard" and I'm tricked in to thinking it's 9 o'clock when really it's only 6.  This last week was particularly difficult because all four of us caught some sort of flu.  When we weren't trapped in "night" we were trapped at home, inside, all day, in our tiny home that was filled with the smell of puke and/or poop continually.  Ugh.  After all this I'm feeling tired and a little depressed; looking forward to the holiday weekend and knowing it's going to be too short.
To help cheer me up and have some kid free time Brad rented the claymation Rudolph and Santa Comes to Town movies.We put it on in our room for the kids while we watched football.
After the movies were over I was putting the kids to bed and I told them I wasn't in the mood to mess around and they needed to get into their pj's and get into bed.  Nadia looked at me very seriously and asked if she could feel my funny bone.  I gave her my elbow and she felt around on it and asked to see my other arm.  I let her feel my other elbow and after a short examination she said, "I don't think you broke your funny bone.  Maybe it's just bruised."
Turns out the fastest cure for a bruised funny bone is a funny bone exam by an adorable 3 year old.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

If you don't stop crying...

They say the key to good parenting is follow-through.  I've read many times that you should never give a child an empty threat.  Sometimes I wonder about old sayings and how literally we should take them, do expressions count as empty threats?  For example, we've all heard the "if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about!"expression. I personally always assumed that what was to follow was a major spanking.  After some thought, I decided; why a spanking?  There are many other ways to make a child cry, and besides, why do we need to express our anger and annoyance to our children physically?  Here are some spitball ideas I've come up with.
Situation: A child wakes up in the middle of the night from a bad dream.  Parent comforts child for a considerable amount of time but child won't quit crying.  Parent suspects child is just playing around now. Parent is really tired and has a long day so parent threatens, "if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about.".  Child doesn't quit crying.  Parent may take child's favorite doll and break off one leg. This may be repeated with as many limbs and/or dolls as needed. (if you have a boy, tearing wheels off trucks or cars might work too.)
Situation: while at a park child starts to scream and cry when it's time to go.  Parent explains that they cannot stay at the park all day and that they need to leave now.  Child throws herself on the ground and begins a tantrum.  Parent leans over and quietly says, "if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about.". Child does not quit crying and in fact begins crying louder.  Parent may then carry the child to the top of the highest slide and dangle the child upside down over the railing until the child is terrified.
Situation:  while shopping for groceries child decides she cannot live without the pack of colorful bic lighters at the checkout stand. Parent explains that lighters are not for children and besides, we don't always get a prize when we leave the store.  Child begins throwing a temper tantrum in the checkout line. Parent warns, "if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about.".  Child does not quit crying and begins throwing any item she can reach at the parent.  Parent may then grab the child's favorite candy, open it, and eat it slowly right in front of the child making sure to impress upon the child how wonderful the candy tastes.
Like I said, these are just suggestions and are not the only way to give a child something to cry about.  Play around with it and be creative! I've never tried any of these methods on my (or any other) children so if you decide to give it a try let me know how it works.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Columbus Day?

Should we call this day Columbus Day? Should it be Viking Day?  Should we even celebrate a day that represents an event that began the slaughter of many Native American people?  I don't know.
If you follow my genes, most of me didn't start off in this country, a tiny (teeny-tiny) part did.  I'm thankful for my life and I'm thankful for my life in America.  

Monday, September 27, 2010

Has it really been that long?

I was so much younger than my cousins that I don't have memories of us playing together as children.  They lived in Iowa so we only got to visit once a year; we didn't get to many graduations or weddings, I never got to go to the hospital after one of my cousins had a baby.  That lack of family connection has always been a loss for me, especially because I feel so close to my immediate family.That said, I am completely in love with my hometown.  I always have been, when we were kids and my parents would talk about moving I would cry and cry, I just KNEW I'd never be as happy in some other town.  My Grandma Lois often reminds me that instead of just moving closer to family, I told her I would move Wilson closer to our family.  She thought this was so cute but when I think of it, whole families are the reason I love Wilson so much.  Families in Wilson have been there forever.  Everyone is a cousin to someone and the parents of my friends had many of the same teachers we had.  They went to the same high school building and shared the same traditions in that very town.  I've wanted to be a real part of that history as long as I can remember.
When I was a senior in high school, that dream came true for me; thirteen years ago this weekend I was Wilson's 1997 Homecoming Queen.  I know people joke about the homecoming queen but to me it was so special.  The two girls who were nominated with me were Joni and Tara, two girls I had known since we moved to Wilson in 1986.  They were both pretty and kind girls who had lots of friends and came from families just as special as they were, both families always treated me as one of their own. 
It would have been no surprise if either of them had been chosen as queen that year, but I was, and I'm so proud and thankful of that!  It was a dream come true for me, not just because I love being the center of attention or because I had always wanted to be a princess, or because it made me feel pretty and popular but because from that moment on, I cemented a place in Wilson's history.  I don't have a common last name or a family tree in Wilson but I felt officially adopted that night.
I think that will forever by my favorite childhood memory in a sea of great childhood memories!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Finger lickin' good

I have introduced Nadia and Luka to cinnamon/sugar toast.  Actually, we put it on mini bagels and the kids love it.  After giving Nadia a cinnamon/sugar bagel for a snack the other day I was helping her put on her shoes and socks when I noticed she had cinnamon and sugar on her ankle.  Like any good mother, I licked my finger and rubbed the streak. For some reason it didn't brush right off like I thought it would and we were in a hurry to get out the door so I re-licked my finger and started rubbing a little harder.  Just as I was licking my finger for the third time Nadia asks, "Momma, are you cleaning the poop on my leg?"
With my finger stuck halfway down my tongue, I realized why this smudge was so difficult to remove.  With my tongue still sticking out, I immediately smelled her leg then started wiping my finger on anything in site.  My mind started racing with thoughts of pink-eye, intestinal worms and my dog, Sleeves, chowing down on poop when he was a puppy. Yes, my darling daughter had been trying to wipe her own butt and somehow managed to track poop from her bootie to her ankle. Granted, it was a light (very light) smear, but the fact that she knew what it was and didn't ask for help to clean it is beyond me.  Also why she waited until I had already licked my finger before bringing it to my attention leaves me to believe she secretly hates me.
Finally, after what seemed like years of scrambling, I got to the sink and washed my hands, scrubbed my tongue, brushed my teeth and rinsed with mouthwash.  After I was able to put my tongue back in my mouth, the smell of her leg wouldn't leave my nose.  Even now as I write this I am afraid to breath through my nose for fear of smelling that terrible smell!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The time I painted a house

For some reason I seem to think that when making a decision, choosing the most difficult choices possible in life will make my life easier.  When I was 23 I moved to Hays, KS to finish my bachelor's degree.  I went house hunting and could not believe my luck when I found a little house on the corner of 13th and Allen that was only $450 a month.  The whole house had just gotten new carpet, fresh painted walls and a brand new electric fireplace with a blower.  I didn't have enough money for a deposit so I decided to offer to strip and repaint the entire outside of the house in lieu of a deposit.  The landlord agreed to this exchange (and why wouldn't he???) and my husband, my dog and his cat moved in within the week.  (Oh...did I mention that my husband at the time had survived a traumatic brain injury about six months before and was still very much impaired? or the fact that we decided to get married after only 4 months of knowing each other? or that the injury happened only four months after that?)  One might think that agreeing to strip and paint a house by yourself...literally, by yourself would be an unwise might think.
I decided to put my husband to work scraping the house with me.  I could only let him scrape the bottom 5 feet of the house though because he was still not able to get on a ladder without falling over; to be completely honest, he was barely able to walk without falling over!  So, he took the bottom and the top 15 feet or so were all mine.  As you can probably imagine, it was taking a really long time to scrape this I decided to rent a pressure washer!  Danny was a man who loved a powerful engine and since the accident he had not been able to work on his truck so this power washer was like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  I decided to let him use the washer first and after showing him how to use the thing, went around to the other side of the house to work. I came back to check on him and could tell he was having a blast and I could see so much paint just flying off the house like magic so I decided to go back to my side.  Who knows how long I went before checking on him again but when I came back I found a kind of mural on the side of the house.  By Danny's logic, if the power washer did such a good job of removing paint at the level I set it at, then if he turned it up all the way he could remove twice as much twice as fast!  (I once used this same logic in 8th grade wood-shop when I removed gigantic chunks from the top of my wooden step stool by re-setting the blade on the plane after the teacher had set it to the appropriate level.) Only this was a really old house and the siding was wood.  The powerful force of the water cut into the wood about 1/4 inch everywhere it went.  We had the most unique siding in all of Hays.  A company of professional painters would have either sanded all that siding (which I tried, for about a minute and a half to do) or replaced it.  I was not a professional or a painter and my landlord was really old and near-sited.

Saturday, August 28, 2010


Dear Housework,
  We need to have a heart to heart.  Things have been rough for us since the kids came along, I realize that, but your demands are becoming a strain on me.  You've really let yourself go.  You are more dirty and messy than you've ever been and you seem to have grown immensely even though we've moved to a smaller place. 
  If I say I have a headache you just nag and nag at me until I can't fight you off anymore. When I finally give in and give you what you want, you take forever to finish.  And when or if I do finish, you only give me a few seconds to enjoy myself and then you're nagging at me all over again. Oh sure, my friends say once I just get started I'll find it's not that bad or I might even enjoy myself.  But they just don't understand, you have taken everything out of me and you never give anything back.
  Well, I'm sure this hasn't changed anything between us and I probably just pissed you off.  I have a feeling you'll be showing up everywhere now sneaking in right under my nose.  I can just see it now, smears on the walls, smudged light switches and so on.  I can only hope that you take some of this to heart and ease up the pressure you put on me. 
Your slave forever,

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

A couple for you and a gem for me

Oh my, it's been a while and you may be wondering...did Sarah's life suddenly become normal?  No. It did not. I've just been lazy and not writing down all the cute/crazy things we've been through lately. Here's a sampling of the last two weeks:
1.) Nadia pulled the dresser over on top of her complete with TV, DVD player and all the drawers packed Waaaaay too full.  I was able to get her out from under the mess and all she had was a few bumps and bruises. And the best part was that the TV and DVD player kept going so I got to panic to the sound of a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse movie!
2.) Nadia's also learning the fine art of reasoning.  The other evening her and Luka were jumping on her bed and Brad went in and told them to stop. Nadia held her hand out in front of her face to make him stop and said, "No Papa, you just go out there and don't look in here."  ....and it begins!
3.)Luka has been pretty low key lately except he is pushing his limits and if Nadia's in trouble, he want's to be in trouble too.
And me.... I guess house mess is like those 'few' extra pounds that creep up on you and before you know it you're so big you have to wear pajamas everywhere you go. So I've been on a house-mess-diet and things seem to be somewhat under control.  It's so hard to keep going though when I have two little tumors attached to me everywhere I go and wanting to either "help" or play with toys that haven't been played with in months, yet all the sudden when I'm cleaning them or wanting to get rid of them they are the coolest most interesting toys the kids have ever seen?!?!?!?

P.S. This is just a little funny story for me to come back to and look at when I need a good laugh...I was sitting down on the porch letting the kids play in the yard when my neighbor came over to say hello.  We were chatting about the hammocks that we hung on our balconies and how her's had crashed down when one of her friends sat on it.  I am not exaggerating when I say two seconds later I hear a crash from our balcony and some explicit words!!!  Brad was sitting in the hammock reading and it fell!!!  Out of the blue!!!  Now if you know me at all, you know that nothing tickles me more that watching someone fall....or watching a grown man try to fit inside a balloon.  I think I laughed for three days straight!

Come as you are ready....

And they finally realized how to completely humiliate me...and that's hard to do!  In church two weeks ago the tumors I call kids got away from me and ran up on the alter right before communion!!!!!  OMG, they seriously did a little jig while the Father was breaking the bread and offering it to the congregation. I must have looked like the devil in flesh because as soon as Nadia looked at me she came right over, went into the hall and started wailing, (this wailing scream echoed through the church like Jonathan Edwards voice must have, and probably scared the people as much as he did). Luka, on the other hand, decided to stay up on the alter and scream with delight and run away every time I even made a move to come get him.  By this time communion was in full swing and he was weaving through people and hiding behind them like they were there to serve as his personal playground.  I must have blacked out because the next thing I remember is being in the car and calling my mom in tears.  I know that every parent wants to disown their children at some point or another, I really never feel that way but I do really, really wish someone else's kids would do something worse when I'm around to watch and give her that look of "I'm so sorry your kids are acting up, I've been there, but look at how good MY kids are being!"

Sunday, July 25, 2010

fatty fatty two by four

Nadia pointed to a man (less than two feet away from her) getting in the pool and said "WOW, look at that man mama, HE'S SO FAT!!!"  What do you say in that situation???  I couldn't pretend I didn't hear it because she said it soo loud and the three of us were the only three on the steps to the pool, so I simply said, Yes, Nadia, he does look like a lot of people in our family, but we say "big boned".

Friday, June 25, 2010


The world has homely, untalented people and it also has talented, beautiful people; I'm glad I fall in the second category.  I'm also thankful for my humble nature.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Flamingo and the Zoo Keeper; the rest of the story

Nadia and Luka looked so cute when I took them to the zoo today.  Luka made no fuss about the outfit I chose for him while Nadia took a whole two days to persuade to dress like a pink flamingo instead of a peacock.  I went on and on about how pretty the flamingos were and how she can stand on one leg just like they do.  I argued that it's really only the boy peacocks that look pretty and would she really want to dress like a boy?  In the end she agreed happily that the flamingo was the way to go and she couldn't wait to compare herself to the real thing.
So....this morning I woke up the kids and surprised them with super delicious homemade monkey bread (100% sugar and carbs, and I one-and-a-halved the caramel sauce to make them extra gooey) and we dressed and headed to the zoo on our sugar high.  After about an hour at the zoo the crash (and burn) set in and Luka had had enough.  He pooped then started screaming at the top of his lungs and and threw his juice bottle on the ground repeatedly after kind strangers kept giving it back to him.  I changed his pants and even though this only quieted him for a mili-second, I had promised Nadia a carousel ride. After the ride, I tried to sneak out of the zoo without having to go all the way to the other end to see the ever beautiful pink flamingos I had spend two days talking about.  We got all the way to the gates, Luka strapped in the wagon wailing as if he had been severely beaten and trying his best to throw himself over the sides even though he was strapped in, when Nadia looked around and asked with huge tears welling in her eyes, "where's the pink-amingos?  I want to see the pink-amingos!"  I tried to explain that they were sleeping, that it was too hot for them and that they must have been hiding today but she would have none of it.  She remembered where they lived from our previous zoo exhibitions and called me out right in front of the one of the zoo guards. 
There was no way she was going to walk fast enough to get this over with at the rate it needed to be over. I threw her in the wagon and at least she looked cute with her triumphant smile as I hauled her, the cooler and the hysterical, screaming, flailing mass that was Luka all the way back across the zoo.  Did I mention that the cooler was much too big for the wagon so Nadia had to stand in front of Luka where she hunched over the top of the cooler trying not to get kicked? Children stopped and stared at us.  Parents looked away.  Some of the smaller animals ran and hid. 
We made it to the flamingos.  I took a few pictures of Nadia while Luka caught his breath.  After Luka had fully resumed kicking and screaming we headed back to the car.  After about a minute I looked back and Luka wasn't wearing his hat.  I would have kept going and just said screw the hat, but we had come this far, what was one more round back to the flamingos?  Everyone had already seen the sight, it's not like I was seconds from peace and quiet, right?  So we went back, got the hat and I stuffed it in my purse.  A quick look to see that there was nothing that could be thrown, dropped or forgotten and I bolted for the car.
I walked as fast as I could, looking straight ahead not making eye contact with anyone.  I didn't look back at the kids but just listened for Luka's screams and Nadia's "Ouch! Luka kicked me!"'s to know that no one had fallen out of the wagon or gotten a stray arm or leg run over by the wheels.
We made it back to the car in 30 minutes, it may have been the longest thirty minutes on record.  Luka slept the whole way home.

Flamingo and the Zoo Keeper

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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Some cute stuff

Nadia says golfin' instead of dolphin and Grandma Nora always says "yes, I know, you like to go golf'in just like your daddy does!" and elvagators, you know, those things in Dorrance that hold grain? When she's scared, she doesn't feel safet and when she can't get comfortable she says, "I'm not wrong!".  She use to say her favorite TV show was Icky Mouse Cusshouse and she called bugs "boofs" for a really long time.  While most kids say duck and pony, Nadia always says geese and foal. 
The newest thing that cracks me up is when she refers to inanimate objects as Mr. and Ms., for example, "hello Mr. Tall Tree!".  She also referred to the leopard on the carousel at the zoo as her leopard friend as she said goodbye to it...goodbye my leopard friend!  Oh, and she insists she's a gull instead of a girl.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Shake a tail feather!

This morning after taking off her soaking (and I mean SOAKING) wet diaper, Nadia started to chase me around backwards with her butt sticking out, trying to rub her butt on my leg!  I couldn't figure this gross yet very hysterical ritual.  After a minute of me screaming and running away from her she bent over to reveal a little red feather hidden between her butt cheeks!!!  She found the feather on the floor in her bedroom and decided a good storage place would be between her butt cheeks.  She was trying to tickle me with the feather but because her booty was so wet it just stuck to her cheeks.  Then she exclaimed, "it's part of my skin, now!".  .....Yep, that's my girl!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

If my kids are normal, let this be a warning to the childless...

Yesterday started out as a pretty normal day other than the fact that I was actually up before 8 a.m. and the kids AND I were showered and dressed before 9 a.m.  I gave them a special breakfast of doughnuts and cinnamon rolls (Ok, half of a doughnut and a fourth of the cinnamon roll each, I said it was special, not ridiculous) and thought to myself "hey, this day is looking pretty productive already!".  Oh why must I ever think to myself???
I noticed a large bump on Luka's forehead that looked just like the spider bite Nadia had a few weeks earlier and decided that must have been the reason he was up screaming at 12:30 the night before.  As the morning wore on, he became very clingy to me and very crabby toward life in general.  I gave him some medicine and put him in the Ergo backpack and carried him around with me while I went about my daily routine. 
After finishing a few loads of laundry I decided it was lunch time. I took him off my back and gave him a plate of food, to which he pushed away with force and shouted NO.  Luka never turns down food so I decided that although he pushed his food away he was still hungry but wanted me to hold him while he ate.  After all, wouldn't he feel so much better if he had something in his tummy?
I gave him a small piece of hot dog, he started coughing a little and took the partially chewed dog out of his mouth.  He then gave me a cute smile and it suddenly hit me.  Literally.  Doughnut, cinnamon roll and lots of curdled milk projected out of his mouth and directly on to my face.  Yes, it was in my nose, a little in my mouth and my eyes were glued shut. With the second and third heave he covered my shirt and the floor. 
Running with him in my arms and my eyes shut I got to the bathroom/laundry room to get some towels to clean up myself and the mess.  I wiped my eyes and gak, another round of warm vomit landed on an even warmer load of clean laundry fresh from the dryer.  I think I'll leave you now and go blow my nose for the millionth time and take another shower. 
Note:  Before bed last night he had a small fever and slept like crap (so did the rest of us). This morning he had no fever but was acting like he felt worse.  I'm a little concerned that this is the result of the bite on his forehead but I have had an upset stomach since late afternoon yesterday, had I been sick right after he puked on me I wouldn't have thought twice about it but I felt bad hours later and still felt a little sicky today. So, I think we must just be sharing a bug.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Just a dirty Waychalk

While in the parking lot of the store, Nadia pointed out that a car in the row across from us had a metal turtle on the back of it.  I explained to her that it wasn't a turtle but a fish that Christians use as a symbol of their faith.  She looked at me, threw her hands up and said "Oh, and all we have on our car is a dirty Waychalk!" 

Thursday, May 13, 2010

old men and horny chickens

About a year ago I started buying whole chickens to boil and then shred instead of buying canned shredded chicken.  I did this for a few reasons: 1. to save money, 2. because I don't like chicken and shredded chicken is easier for me to hide in recipes and, 3. because if I am able to eat the chicken I will be more likely to serve it for dinner and I know my kids should eat chicken.
After a while of doing this I got pretty comfortable with the routine and the only thing that really bothered me was removing the kidneys and liver.  So I decided to go even farther and save a few more bucks.  I bought a chicken that still had the gizzards and the neck.  OMG, I have never been so afraid of a dead piece of meat in my life!!!!!  You may think afraid is the wrong word and you would be right...I was terrified!  When I cut open the bag, what looked like a shriveled up penis literally POPPED out at me!  I had to call my mom and have her talk me through getting the gross horny looking bird ready to boil.  She laughed at me the whole time and I was on the verge of puking and tears for about an hour.
This experience really made me appreciate my grandmothers and their entire generation.  No wonder women were considered prudes back then, if I had to look at that chicken everyday and then go to bed with a horny man I might throw up right there on the bed.  I'll admit that a young mans penis looks much more appealing than a skinned chicken neck; and yes, I use the words "young man" because I have seen a lot of old man penis' and they tend to look more like the shriveled chicken neck than they do a young man's penis.  On the other hand I have not seen many old man penis' when the said old man is actively horny.  And I say "actively" because the horny old men I've seen don't get a prescription for Viagra in the nursing home. Although one did have a penile implant that he refused to deflate...
I think I'll skip eating any of the chicken I shredded tonight...I'm not in the mood.

Monday, May 10, 2010

A memory from my "working mother" days

For all the moms who give me crap for cooking, making t-shirts, ribbons ect. If I even worked part time outside of the home there would be no way I would do half the stuff I do! After Nadia was born and I returned to work I didn't even get Nadia bathed! My babysitter did it for me and the funniest part was that she had never taken care of a white baby before and would "grease" Nadia's hair after her baths--I didn't have the heart to tell her white people don't use grease on their baby's heads! Oh and she had twins that were two weeks older than Nadia and would actually get asked if they were triplets!!! I told her to tell anyone who asked; yes, and that Nadia was albino.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Monday, May 3, 2010

FEDEX to the rescue!

Nadia has noticed that we see FedEx trucks everywhere we go.  When I told her they deliver packages she became even more infatuated with them and to her pleasure, they are all over in Fort Collins........
With the help of the Grandparents, we got a 2010 pass to the Denver Zoo.  Today I packed a lunch, packed a wagon, packed the kids and headed out.  We made it there with no problems and had a great day.  I was a little worried about pulling the wagon because it is much heaver to pull than a double stroller is to push but it was the perfect choice for the zoo.  Luka pushed the wagon while I pulled and was able to get in and out as he wanted to when in a stroller he has to be strapped in each time or he'll fall out.
The kids saw a peacock with it's tail feathers in full "bloom" and rode the carousel.  It was a really fun time.
Now the typical Sarah was my first time driving to the zoo by myself and I carefully copied the mapquest directions on a piece of paper before we went.  It was so simple, not at all scary and I never felt lost once.  I decided to just back-track the directions in order to get home and never gave it a second thought.  Shoulda given it a second thought.  As I was looking for the on-ramp to go back on the highway we came on, I couldn't find it.  I made a u-turn and tried again.  Nope, it was an exit-only street. CRAP.
I knew Brad had the GPS in his truck and I have no phone so I was screwed.  I just got back on the highway from whence we came and crossed my fingers.  For miles I passed things I had seen two days earlier when Brad, the kids and I were over here but they were on the wrong side of the car...I was going the wrong direction and I knew it but there were NO exit/entrances on to this stupid highway!  Nadia kept talking to me and reading me her "nap" of the zoo and finally I told her she had to be quiet because mommy was lost and getting a little scared.  After a while she yelled, "look mommy!  A fedex truck!  You happy now?  Now we're not lost!!!"  Cute, made me smile, and I saw a sign that pointed the way to DIA.  I took the exit and knew I could make it home from the airport no matter how far out of the way it was. Tom Hanks lost and got me unlost. (not really, but it did make me smile!)

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Eating right?

Is substituting 2 cups whole wheat flour for two cups white flour still better for you if it's going to be deep fat fried and drizzled in a mixture of butter and powdered sugar?   I told Nadia if she went right to sleep and dreamt of doughnuts that the doughnut fairy was sure to visit.  Sure enough, we made a batch of homemade doughnuts and the so-sick-I-could-puke fairy visited Brad and I right after the doughnut fairy left.  THEY ARE JUST TOO GOOD TO RESIST!!!  (I wish I had a mom here who could give me just one and no matter how much I cried for another one wouldn't let me have one--for my own good.)

Friday, April 30, 2010

When I fall off the horse, I land in dung.

And just when I thought all the poop was behind me! (pun intended)  Last night Brad got the kids in the bath and I cleared the table and started dishes.  I made yummy egg rolls for dinner and I think more got in the high chair and on the floor than made it into Luka's mouth.  Anyway, I'm working away thinking about nothing when Nadia comes out to the kitchen and announces:  Luka pooped.  Really? was all I could reply.  Yes Mommy, Luka pooped in the water.  A nice turd that looked way too much like an egg roll.  So..... I'm ashamed to admit that I just let it sit there until today.  I just couldn't deal with it!  Don't judge me!  I'm sure you've done things you're not proud of!
BIG MISTAKE.  If poop can get too hydrated in your body, it can get too hydrated in a full bathtub too.  Needless to say, I spent 20 minutes cleaning and sterilizing the bathtub all the while gagging and fighting a curious Luka away.  I didn't even want to write this, but I assume Luka and Nadia will read this someday and upgrade me to a private room in "the home".
Why is it that people will fight a war in favor of creation, but will not believe that some things happen for no reason at all.  They can argue that God created the world in 7 days without any physical proof to believe in creation, but they can't wrap their minds around the fact that sometimes shit just happens.  Sometimes there is no answer why, sometimes shit just happens; and sometimes it happens to happen to you.  Bad things happen to the good, bad and ugly just as good things happen to the good, bad and ugly.  Instead of thanking God for every great thing that happens in life and blaming yourself for all the bad things (I wasn't a good enough person, I didn't pray hard enough, ect), wouldn't it make more sense to thank God for LIFE: good, bad and ugly?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Spotlight is on....ME!

I'm loving this blogging thing.  It's the perfect setting for me to be a complete show-off, crack myself up and entertain you!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Horses have weenies

Tonight before her bedtime Nadia and I were searching the house for Purple Blankie.  When we finally found it in my bedroom she put it between her legs and started to gallop out of the room with most of Purple Blankie dragging behind her.  On her way out the door she looked back and said "I gotta horse weenie!" and galloped on to her bedroom.  ummm, WHAT?!?  Two thoughts immediately came to mind; first, was she referring in any way to the size of the long blanket trailing behind her and if so, what horses has she been looking at? Second, I flash back to the night before last when Brad was getting up from the couch and accidentally caught his foot right between Luka's legs.  He said to Luka, "Ooops! Sorry dude, I didn't mean to kick you in the weenie."  Nadia thought this was hilarious and worth repeating at least three times. Brad and I smiled at each other but said nothing so we wouldn't draw attention to it.
So tonight when we got back to her bedroom I needed some answers.   "Nadia, does your horse have a weenie?"  "YES, Mommy!"  "Do YOU have a weenie?" "Yessss."  "Where's your weenie at?"  "Right here." (She lifts her leg and points to.................her knee! Yes, her knee!)  "OH, you mean your horse has LITTLE knees!"  "Yes, Mommy.  That means she has wee-knees!" I laughed so hard I think I scared her a little.
Later in the evening I was thinking about the whole thing.....Brad seriously called it a weenie.  That thought cracked me up all over again.

This must be what hell is like (a repost from October)

I posted this on fb as a note a while back but wanted to include it on here so when my kids read this in the future, they'll know how they chipped away at my soul.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009 at 9:18am
Soooo......Nadia has been working on potty training and yesterday did awesome. She used the potty every time in the morning and kept her panties dry all morning. She ate lunch and was so sweet and I was so proud of her. She got done with lunch, got down from her chair and asked if she could go take her nap! What a dream, right? Little did I know what I was in for....
Maybe not my brightest idea of all time but I thought I would see if she could stay dry for nap time. I put the potty in her room and talked to her about using it if she needed to. What's the worst that could happen? I might have to wash her sheets if she wet the bed... wrong, oh so wrong.
She laid down and didn't make a sound. After an hour or so I could hear her playing quietly and then could hear Luka too and they sounded happy so I just let them play for about another hour while I did some housework. What a great day this was shaping up to be!
So I went in to get them up and was instantly knocked over by the smell that hit me in the face when I opened the door. It could have gagged a maggot. I knew what was coming and though: I've dealt with this before, not a huge deal. Then I looked down and saw poop everywhere. My best guess is that Nadia pooped in her panties and then took off her pants and undies, only she's not so good at this so they kind of roll down while she's pulling on them. This smeared poop all down the backs of her legs. Once she had the prized piece of poop she went to town like never before. She used it as a ball and rolled it in and out of all her toys making them sing when she rolled the poop through them. When that got old she got out all 5,000 of her little plastic animal toys and used the poop as clay to make them stand up straight. So all these animals where ground into the poop. She also put some in her purse, ground it into the floor and got it all over her potty; top, bottom and sides.
It gets better.
I took her to the bathtub and put all her poop stained animals in with her. The water was immediately chocolate colored. As I was rinsing each animal (gagging and crying the whole time) I debated on putting them into the washer or the dish washer...I decided that I would rather have fecal residue on my clothes than my dishes and started throwing the rinsed animals into the washer. Once they were all rinsed off I put in the soap and was pouring the bleach when I heard a crash followed by screams. I looked over and Luka had fallen into the fecal cesspool face first fully clothed! REALLY!?!?!?!
After cleaning both of them the rest of the night was spent smelling toys and cleaning toys. Cleaning the carpet, the bathtub and the washing machine. To top it all off Nadia just kept asking me, "Mommy happy now?" I wanted to scream at her HELL NO, MOMMY"S NOT HAPPY NOW!!! But I just kept quiet. So I told her that since the animals played in poop they got sick and can't play for a few days and she's lucky she didn't get sick too.
I'm much better today and while it's still hard for me to laugh about it, I thought my poop story followers deserved a good laugh. So laugh...laugh hard...that's right...go ahead...laugh! :P

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The business of homelessness

Author's note:  I write this for my Dad who has told me I need to write this down, since the first time I asked it.
My first encounter with the homeless was in high school when I went to KC to serve soup at a soup kitchen.  My next encounter with the homeless was almost ten years later when I moved to KC.  I was working for the Area Agency on Aging and had to drive all over Johnson County, mostly taking the freeway.  As I pulled off and on the on and off ramps I saw homeless people.  Homeless people who were vets, homeless people who needed gas, homeless people who were out of work, homeless people who would work for food.  So this is the question I pose:  Where does a penniless person obtain a thick black marker? 
I have thought about this a lot, way, WAY too much actually.  Does one anticipate homelessness and take stock of all possible forms of weather proof writing utensils?  Do you panhandle by mouth and throw in a "oh, and I could really use a black marker, if you have one"?  Does a homeless shelter keep an old record bin with pre-written cardboard signs filed in some sort of 'by need' order?  If worst comes to worst, do you trade in one meals worth of money and just buy one to make the sign that will be your livelihood?
This also leads me to wonder about the network of homeless people.  Do you do any research before making your sign?  What gets the most money?  Should I go alone or take my baby?  Are other homeless people willing to share their secrets?
While I have no answers to these questions, I have decided to keep a stock of black sharpies in the glove box...just in case I come across a sign that says "anything helps. God bless".

Friday, April 23, 2010

Ear drum

Luka bashed his head into the coffee table while playing chase with Nadia last night.  This is the result today, poor little man!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

At least they're quiet?

I am making doughnuts today "with" Nadia and am using yeast for the first time.  Concentrating on doing everything correctly, I look over at Nadia and she's poured flour into all of my measuring cups and is pouring them back and forth and then on the counter and eventually on the floor.  I notice at this moment that Luka is playing quite nicely and has not made a peep for at least five minutes.  He's in the freshly cleaned exersaucer (getting ready to sell it) and has a piece of pink sidewalk chalk.  You know the entire area around Luka is pink.  I can't decide if I'm grateful for the peace and quiet or pissed about the two new messes I have to clean up.  My other thought is that Brad is going to come home and think I didn't do anything today because the house is worse now than when he left this morning. I'm going to get the camera now for proof...

Facebook TMI

I don’t know if it’s because I’m easily amused, simple-minded or from a town so small that the only conversations we really have are small talk, but I like hearing about your goldfish, what you made for dinner and the new growth on your big toe. I know these things don’t matter in the long run and there are endless jokes about the stupid things people post as a status, but what are you really supposed to post? Deep thoughts? Inner fears? I’ll save those for my closest friends and family. I don’t care to know where on a map you are currently located but I find it mildly interesting to know that you’re getting coffee twenty-three times a day. Living in a place with few friends and no family, it’s nice to know that all around me people are doing the exact same thing I’m doing right now: cooking, cleaning, cleaning up poop, having aches and pains, waiting for a package to arrive… It comforts me to know that we are all basically the same whether you live in KS and I have known you my whole life or I have just met you.


It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here so I’m just going to list some of the recent things that have been going on with the kids…
*Luka experienced his very first poop slinging the other day at nap time. He will no longer be able to sleep in just a diaper.
*My brother taught Nadia that it is hilarious to him if she pulls her pants down under her but cheeks, pulls her shirt up to expose her naked cheeks and walks around as if nothing is wrong. She did this while on a walk the other night and when I told her to pull up her pants she told me, “but MOM, my bootie needs fresh air!” Nice, Matthew, nice. I can only hope she remembers this little trip while crossing the stage at her high school graduation!
*Nadia informed me while in the bathtub this morning that she is “making bubbles with her toots!!”
*While driving by a dairy: Nadia, “I smell something.” Me, “Oh, it’s all those cows over there.” Five minutes later: Nadia, “I smell those cows agian.” Me,confused, “I don’t smell them.” Nadia, “only this time it’s me.”
* Nadia didn’t poop in her panties today…she pooped on the back porch in a pile of sand and then scooped it up in a sand shovel to show Brad!!! We’re so proud?

There's no place like home

Brad had to go to Washington for a week and then to the east coast for four days. I decided to head to KS so I wouldn’t have to be alone with the kids for so long.
We got on the road at about two and got to Wilson around 11. Both kids were just wonderful and Nadia made it all the way without a diaper and no accidents!!!
Tonight we went to a Shrove Tuesday pancake feed and the kids were so well behaved; they make me so proud. Most of the people there watched me grow up from age six on and it is so nice and so encouraging to hear them comment on how adorable and good our kids are…so as long as they’re such good kids when we’re out and about I can take all the crap they put me through when we’re at home.
My mom always said, out of ten reasons to have/not have children there would be 8 no and 2 yes but when those 2 happened you would forget all the 8!


Every time I have gone into the kid’s bathroom the last couple of days I could smell poo. Last night I decided to investigate and found a chunk of poo that had escaped down the drain but was caught in a clump of hair!!! I immediately started to gag and if you’ve ever heard me gag you have already started laughing, I’m sure. I may be the loudest gagger of all time…bluuuuhhhhhAAAAAAHHHHHH imagine a long, deep hiccup. Anyway…I had to remove the disgusting little ball that was making me sick. After using the end of a wooden spoon to try to push it down the drain, an ink pen to try to hook the hair and pull it out of the drain and grossest of all: resorting to trying to get it with my finger…I had the brilliant idea to use a wire hanger…duh. So now we have a sparkling clean, sweet smelling bathtub, until the next time I give the kids a bath I’m sure. This makes me wonder what is worse; smelling like dirty kids who haven’t been bathed or smelling because every time you take a bath you crap in the water…close call.

Eventful Night

So last night Brad had to meet a colleague after work and was not able to get home at his usual time. Nadia who is like a dog with a sixth sense about when her Papa should be home started to cry at 5:05 wanting her Papa. When she escalated to slamming cupboard doors and screaming I put her in her room for a time out. She went in screaming for Papa and in a few seconds was standing at the door saying “Na-na pee potty bed!” I didn’t think I could be hearing her right…did she really just pee in her bed????? I went over to her and her pants were off and she was wet. At this point I wanted to go over to her bed pop a squat and leave my own pee potty for her to lay in all night. However, I was able to control my eager bladder, went in and changed the sheets. Brad finally came home and everything calmed down for a while. I gave the kids a bath before bed time and 1.) they wouldn’t stop drinking the bath water and 2.) Luka decided to relax his bowels in the tub. Talk about a literal shit storm. Got the kids out and into our tub to finish/start cleaning them off and got them into bed. Ah, sweet relief…until 1:30 a.m. when both kids peed out all the swallowed bathwater. Nothing like laundry at 2 a.m.!!!!

Hello World

Hello world!  Happy Birthday to Boatright’s Blog!!!