Monday, September 26, 2011

The life of boobs

I was looking at my body tonight wishing that I had a better figure and thinking about how boobs migrate shift over time.  This made me think of some of my first memories of my own boobs and when I realized I was becoming a woman. 
I remember writing my mom a note asking if I could start wearing a bra.  I threw it at her in her chair and ran away to my room embarrassed.  I'm guessing I was hoping she would just write back....she didn't.  I remember the knot in my stomach when I heard her softly knock on my bedroom door.  My mom is a great mom.  She didn't let me grow up too fast. She told me that I wasn't old enough yet but it wouldn't be long until I was ready for first training bra. During that talk she mentioned something about not needing a bra until I could hold a pencil under my "breast" .........Ummmm......excuse me, What??? What did that even MEAN?????  This made NO sense to me.  Shouldn't I get a training bra to train for this great pencil challenge?
That conversation has haunted me stuck with me over the years.  What was the pencil tests origin??? Who on earth thought of this little boob test and why a pencil?  So, what the hell?  Standing there in my bathroom this evening I grabbed a, I'm not a math genius but I know that test would be worthless!.....I wrote down some thoughts on boobs.
I give you: The Life of Boobs*:
  • When a girl becomes a woman she has perky little breasts that don't sag, stand up at attention and look pretty. She has a hard time filling a bra.
  • When a woman becomes a mother she gets gigantic, fabulous breasts that can move mountains.  She has a hard time staying in a bra.
  • When a mom is...well..a run down, haggard shell of the vibrant woman she use to be she gets has what appears to be flesh colored bean bags that have somehow lost at LEAST half of the beans. But the bottom of the saggy bag is still somewhat firm.  She has a hard time finding a clean bra what with all the laundry.
  • When a grandmother is born she has the chest of a small child and  there are two little, deflated, squishy sacks of boob left on each side of her belly button.  She doesn't give a shit about a bra.
*Information gathered from my own personal experience as a woman and as a nurse's aid in the nursing home where, depending on personal preference, I would help shove old, tired boobs into bras or let them hang free.
Also, based on my experience, I am confident in saying The Life of Balls would be quite similar to The Life of Boobs....but I'm not going to write that one. ;)


  1. A pencil huh? Pretty sure I couldn't do that unless I was folded in half. Someone come and take these bras off my hands, apparently I'm not ready!

  2. I'd bet your brother could come up with something from the male side of things pretty easily for you!

  3. Poor thing! A pencil? My tiny little A cups probably still can't hold up a pencil. Sigh..