Friday, April 30, 2010

When I fall off the horse, I land in dung.

And just when I thought all the poop was behind me! (pun intended)  Last night Brad got the kids in the bath and I cleared the table and started dishes.  I made yummy egg rolls for dinner and I think more got in the high chair and on the floor than made it into Luka's mouth.  Anyway, I'm working away thinking about nothing when Nadia comes out to the kitchen and announces:  Luka pooped.  Really? was all I could reply.  Yes Mommy, Luka pooped in the water.  A nice turd that looked way too much like an egg roll.  So..... I'm ashamed to admit that I just let it sit there until today.  I just couldn't deal with it!  Don't judge me!  I'm sure you've done things you're not proud of!
BIG MISTAKE.  If poop can get too hydrated in your body, it can get too hydrated in a full bathtub too.  Needless to say, I spent 20 minutes cleaning and sterilizing the bathtub all the while gagging and fighting a curious Luka away.  I didn't even want to write this, but I assume Luka and Nadia will read this someday and upgrade me to a private room in "the home".
Why is it that people will fight a war in favor of creation, but will not believe that some things happen for no reason at all.  They can argue that God created the world in 7 days without any physical proof to believe in creation, but they can't wrap their minds around the fact that sometimes shit just happens.  Sometimes there is no answer why, sometimes shit just happens; and sometimes it happens to happen to you.  Bad things happen to the good, bad and ugly just as good things happen to the good, bad and ugly.  Instead of thanking God for every great thing that happens in life and blaming yourself for all the bad things (I wasn't a good enough person, I didn't pray hard enough, ect), wouldn't it make more sense to thank God for LIFE: good, bad and ugly?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Spotlight is on....ME!

I'm loving this blogging thing.  It's the perfect setting for me to be a complete show-off, crack myself up and entertain you!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Horses have weenies

Tonight before her bedtime Nadia and I were searching the house for Purple Blankie.  When we finally found it in my bedroom she put it between her legs and started to gallop out of the room with most of Purple Blankie dragging behind her.  On her way out the door she looked back and said "I gotta horse weenie!" and galloped on to her bedroom.  ummm, WHAT?!?  Two thoughts immediately came to mind; first, was she referring in any way to the size of the long blanket trailing behind her and if so, what horses has she been looking at? Second, I flash back to the night before last when Brad was getting up from the couch and accidentally caught his foot right between Luka's legs.  He said to Luka, "Ooops! Sorry dude, I didn't mean to kick you in the weenie."  Nadia thought this was hilarious and worth repeating at least three times. Brad and I smiled at each other but said nothing so we wouldn't draw attention to it.
So tonight when we got back to her bedroom I needed some answers.   "Nadia, does your horse have a weenie?"  "YES, Mommy!"  "Do YOU have a weenie?" "Yessss."  "Where's your weenie at?"  "Right here." (She lifts her leg and points to.................her knee! Yes, her knee!)  "OH, you mean your horse has LITTLE knees!"  "Yes, Mommy.  That means she has wee-knees!" I laughed so hard I think I scared her a little.
Later in the evening I was thinking about the whole thing.....Brad seriously called it a weenie.  That thought cracked me up all over again.

This must be what hell is like (a repost from October)

I posted this on fb as a note a while back but wanted to include it on here so when my kids read this in the future, they'll know how they chipped away at my soul.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009 at 9:18am
Soooo......Nadia has been working on potty training and yesterday did awesome. She used the potty every time in the morning and kept her panties dry all morning. She ate lunch and was so sweet and I was so proud of her. She got done with lunch, got down from her chair and asked if she could go take her nap! What a dream, right? Little did I know what I was in for....
Maybe not my brightest idea of all time but I thought I would see if she could stay dry for nap time. I put the potty in her room and talked to her about using it if she needed to. What's the worst that could happen? I might have to wash her sheets if she wet the bed... wrong, oh so wrong.
She laid down and didn't make a sound. After an hour or so I could hear her playing quietly and then could hear Luka too and they sounded happy so I just let them play for about another hour while I did some housework. What a great day this was shaping up to be!
So I went in to get them up and was instantly knocked over by the smell that hit me in the face when I opened the door. It could have gagged a maggot. I knew what was coming and though: I've dealt with this before, not a huge deal. Then I looked down and saw poop everywhere. My best guess is that Nadia pooped in her panties and then took off her pants and undies, only she's not so good at this so they kind of roll down while she's pulling on them. This smeared poop all down the backs of her legs. Once she had the prized piece of poop she went to town like never before. She used it as a ball and rolled it in and out of all her toys making them sing when she rolled the poop through them. When that got old she got out all 5,000 of her little plastic animal toys and used the poop as clay to make them stand up straight. So all these animals where ground into the poop. She also put some in her purse, ground it into the floor and got it all over her potty; top, bottom and sides.
It gets better.
I took her to the bathtub and put all her poop stained animals in with her. The water was immediately chocolate colored. As I was rinsing each animal (gagging and crying the whole time) I debated on putting them into the washer or the dish washer...I decided that I would rather have fecal residue on my clothes than my dishes and started throwing the rinsed animals into the washer. Once they were all rinsed off I put in the soap and was pouring the bleach when I heard a crash followed by screams. I looked over and Luka had fallen into the fecal cesspool face first fully clothed! REALLY!?!?!?!
After cleaning both of them the rest of the night was spent smelling toys and cleaning toys. Cleaning the carpet, the bathtub and the washing machine. To top it all off Nadia just kept asking me, "Mommy happy now?" I wanted to scream at her HELL NO, MOMMY"S NOT HAPPY NOW!!! But I just kept quiet. So I told her that since the animals played in poop they got sick and can't play for a few days and she's lucky she didn't get sick too.
I'm much better today and while it's still hard for me to laugh about it, I thought my poop story followers deserved a good laugh. So laugh...laugh hard...that's right...go ahead...laugh! :P

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The business of homelessness

Author's note:  I write this for my Dad who has told me I need to write this down, since the first time I asked it.
My first encounter with the homeless was in high school when I went to KC to serve soup at a soup kitchen.  My next encounter with the homeless was almost ten years later when I moved to KC.  I was working for the Area Agency on Aging and had to drive all over Johnson County, mostly taking the freeway.  As I pulled off and on the on and off ramps I saw homeless people.  Homeless people who were vets, homeless people who needed gas, homeless people who were out of work, homeless people who would work for food.  So this is the question I pose:  Where does a penniless person obtain a thick black marker? 
I have thought about this a lot, way, WAY too much actually.  Does one anticipate homelessness and take stock of all possible forms of weather proof writing utensils?  Do you panhandle by mouth and throw in a "oh, and I could really use a black marker, if you have one"?  Does a homeless shelter keep an old record bin with pre-written cardboard signs filed in some sort of 'by need' order?  If worst comes to worst, do you trade in one meals worth of money and just buy one to make the sign that will be your livelihood?
This also leads me to wonder about the network of homeless people.  Do you do any research before making your sign?  What gets the most money?  Should I go alone or take my baby?  Are other homeless people willing to share their secrets?
While I have no answers to these questions, I have decided to keep a stock of black sharpies in the glove box...just in case I come across a sign that says "anything helps. God bless".

Friday, April 23, 2010

Ear drum

Luka bashed his head into the coffee table while playing chase with Nadia last night.  This is the result today, poor little man!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

At least they're quiet?

I am making doughnuts today "with" Nadia and am using yeast for the first time.  Concentrating on doing everything correctly, I look over at Nadia and she's poured flour into all of my measuring cups and is pouring them back and forth and then on the counter and eventually on the floor.  I notice at this moment that Luka is playing quite nicely and has not made a peep for at least five minutes.  He's in the freshly cleaned exersaucer (getting ready to sell it) and has a piece of pink sidewalk chalk.  You know the entire area around Luka is pink.  I can't decide if I'm grateful for the peace and quiet or pissed about the two new messes I have to clean up.  My other thought is that Brad is going to come home and think I didn't do anything today because the house is worse now than when he left this morning. I'm going to get the camera now for proof...

Facebook TMI

I don’t know if it’s because I’m easily amused, simple-minded or from a town so small that the only conversations we really have are small talk, but I like hearing about your goldfish, what you made for dinner and the new growth on your big toe. I know these things don’t matter in the long run and there are endless jokes about the stupid things people post as a status, but what are you really supposed to post? Deep thoughts? Inner fears? I’ll save those for my closest friends and family. I don’t care to know where on a map you are currently located but I find it mildly interesting to know that you’re getting coffee twenty-three times a day. Living in a place with few friends and no family, it’s nice to know that all around me people are doing the exact same thing I’m doing right now: cooking, cleaning, cleaning up poop, having aches and pains, waiting for a package to arrive… It comforts me to know that we are all basically the same whether you live in KS and I have known you my whole life or I have just met you.


It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here so I’m just going to list some of the recent things that have been going on with the kids…
*Luka experienced his very first poop slinging the other day at nap time. He will no longer be able to sleep in just a diaper.
*My brother taught Nadia that it is hilarious to him if she pulls her pants down under her but cheeks, pulls her shirt up to expose her naked cheeks and walks around as if nothing is wrong. She did this while on a walk the other night and when I told her to pull up her pants she told me, “but MOM, my bootie needs fresh air!” Nice, Matthew, nice. I can only hope she remembers this little trip while crossing the stage at her high school graduation!
*Nadia informed me while in the bathtub this morning that she is “making bubbles with her toots!!”
*While driving by a dairy: Nadia, “I smell something.” Me, “Oh, it’s all those cows over there.” Five minutes later: Nadia, “I smell those cows agian.” Me,confused, “I don’t smell them.” Nadia, “only this time it’s me.”
* Nadia didn’t poop in her panties today…she pooped on the back porch in a pile of sand and then scooped it up in a sand shovel to show Brad!!! We’re so proud?

There's no place like home

Brad had to go to Washington for a week and then to the east coast for four days. I decided to head to KS so I wouldn’t have to be alone with the kids for so long.
We got on the road at about two and got to Wilson around 11. Both kids were just wonderful and Nadia made it all the way without a diaper and no accidents!!!
Tonight we went to a Shrove Tuesday pancake feed and the kids were so well behaved; they make me so proud. Most of the people there watched me grow up from age six on and it is so nice and so encouraging to hear them comment on how adorable and good our kids are…so as long as they’re such good kids when we’re out and about I can take all the crap they put me through when we’re at home.
My mom always said, out of ten reasons to have/not have children there would be 8 no and 2 yes but when those 2 happened you would forget all the 8!


Every time I have gone into the kid’s bathroom the last couple of days I could smell poo. Last night I decided to investigate and found a chunk of poo that had escaped down the drain but was caught in a clump of hair!!! I immediately started to gag and if you’ve ever heard me gag you have already started laughing, I’m sure. I may be the loudest gagger of all time…bluuuuhhhhhAAAAAAHHHHHH imagine a long, deep hiccup. Anyway…I had to remove the disgusting little ball that was making me sick. After using the end of a wooden spoon to try to push it down the drain, an ink pen to try to hook the hair and pull it out of the drain and grossest of all: resorting to trying to get it with my finger…I had the brilliant idea to use a wire hanger…duh. So now we have a sparkling clean, sweet smelling bathtub, until the next time I give the kids a bath I’m sure. This makes me wonder what is worse; smelling like dirty kids who haven’t been bathed or smelling because every time you take a bath you crap in the water…close call.

Eventful Night

So last night Brad had to meet a colleague after work and was not able to get home at his usual time. Nadia who is like a dog with a sixth sense about when her Papa should be home started to cry at 5:05 wanting her Papa. When she escalated to slamming cupboard doors and screaming I put her in her room for a time out. She went in screaming for Papa and in a few seconds was standing at the door saying “Na-na pee potty bed!” I didn’t think I could be hearing her right…did she really just pee in her bed????? I went over to her and her pants were off and she was wet. At this point I wanted to go over to her bed pop a squat and leave my own pee potty for her to lay in all night. However, I was able to control my eager bladder, went in and changed the sheets. Brad finally came home and everything calmed down for a while. I gave the kids a bath before bed time and 1.) they wouldn’t stop drinking the bath water and 2.) Luka decided to relax his bowels in the tub. Talk about a literal shit storm. Got the kids out and into our tub to finish/start cleaning them off and got them into bed. Ah, sweet relief…until 1:30 a.m. when both kids peed out all the swallowed bathwater. Nothing like laundry at 2 a.m.!!!!

Hello World

Hello world!  Happy Birthday to Boatright’s Blog!!!